Marriage

Did anyone read that title with the speech impediment of the priest in "Princess Bride?" Cause you should have if you didn't - it's just better that way.

I'm writing on this topic today, because over the past four months or so, the idea and the topic of marriage has been discussed quite a bit around me. About five or six years ago, this word seemed to be more of a replacement word for "wedding" to so many people I knew. I guess when you are planning on getting married, so much thought goes into that one day, that special event. For Chris and I, the day was really special, but the many, many days that followed was what we were really looking forward to.

But I found myself talking with several friends weeks or even a year later who seemed to have the same comment: "marriage is not what I thought it would be." Well, I'm certainly not an expert on the topic, but I don't think anything is really what you think it's going to be. It could be a little better; it could be a little worse, but either way, it's always a good idea to expect a few surprises.

Now I'm faced with questions and comments from people I know that sound more like this (keep in mind most of my friends are women): "my husband is leaving me" or "the wife of one of our friends is leaving him." We're talking people who have been married for five years, give or take a year or two, and my jaw just drops - along with my heart. One of these people I care about deeply and have been friends with for a VERY long time, so I just don't understand.

One of the things that comes along with hearing this so much is that it makes me examine my own marriage. What if Chris left me? Would he leave me? I mean, I can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. What if this starts to wear on him? But in examining my own marriage - because that's the only marriage I know - I also ask these people how things go with them and their spouses. Do they talk? More importantly, do they listen?

So in this time when it seems so many people are having trouble or, for some, didn't really care to begin with, I'm going to offer a little advice. Why? Not because I'm some self-proclaimed marriage counselor or because everything is always right as rain with Chris and me, but because even though we have troubles, too, we've got a good thing going. And frankly, I think everyone deserves to be just as happy, one way or another.

* My first piece of advice is to those who are not married but are considering it. First of all, even if a small, itty bitty part of you thinks that if things don't work out years from now, you'll just get divorced and go your separate ways, DO NOT (I REPEAT) DO NOT GET MARRIED. Why would you enter into something that is considered an unbreakable covenant, only to get out of it later?

Now, people change and things happen, so those of you who didn't take marriage lightly but have found yourself without your mate, don't get offended. You didn't know this would happen. But for those of you not yet married, don't take it lightly to begin with. On that same note, maybe marriage just isn't for you. If you can't see being with one person for the rest of your life, maybe just a long-term relationship is for you. Yeah, yeah, I know! This may go against some religious beliefs. But I guess over the years, a combination of God and the brain He gave me has led me to believe that marriage just isn't for everyone.

* Secondly, if you are planning on getting married, what do you know about the person you are marrying? When Chris and I were engaged at the ripe age of 20 (we were 21 when the wedding took place), my mom told me we were too young to get married (she was 23 - HUGE DIFFERENCE, PEOPLE! ???). I promptly told her that I'd rather be young and get married than not know important things about the person I am marrying. She and my dad dated for a year before getting married and she didn't know he was a drinker. Nice. Does the person you are marrying want kids? How are they with money? How is their work ethic? Does he/she have similar opinions on your family as you do? How do they spend their free time? Is he/she a looker or a flirt? Do they shower regularly? (ha! just kidding - I sure hope they do!) What about their religious beliefs? And what about their common sense? These are important questions, people. Ask them.

* I think one of the most important attributes of a solid marriage (or any relationship) is communication. Sure, you've heard plenty of people say this, but do you really know what that means? It means sitting down and talking out a difference or a problem without yelling about it. It means telling your spouse everything, even when it's hard. Confession time: Before Chris and I got married, we went to separate colleges. They were in the same town, but we were both so busy, we did not see each other much on the weekdays. During one year, a guy friend of mine at school and I got pretty close (and I don't mean anything physical happened, so chill out). I started getting feelings that I didn't expect or want. BUT, in rationalizing the situation, I realized that it wasn't that I really liked the guy. It was that I liked the attention he gave me. So, as hard as it was, I went to Chris and told him about the whole situation. I told him that I felt like I needed just a little more of his attention (don't get me wrong, I would not take him away from the things he enjoyed or was working on), and we made a decision to make time for each other during the week - even if it was just an hour here or two hours there. That honesty and openness has spilled over into our marriage. Chris tells me what he is thinking, and I tell him. When we first got together, Chris expressing how he felt about something was just not happening. I guess you sometimes base your own relationship on your parents', and in his family, they never talked about ANYTHING (sorry Chris, I hope that's OK to tell), but making sure your spouse knows you want to hear that and that you won't blow up or overreact about it is a must!

* Also important in a relationship: having your own identity. Sure, two become one when you get married (everyone say awwwe), but you have to maintain your individuality or you'll lose it, literally. I think that's why so many moms go crazy when their kids move out. They lose that identity of being the mom. So ladies, when your husband wants his guy time, don't have a hissy. You're going to need your time with the girls as well, cause let me tell ya... he doesn't care about your nails. He doesn't want to hear the latest gossip, and he doesn't care what shade of lipstick you are wearing (as long as you don't look like a hooker). Having time by yourself is important as well. Fit this in! I'll admit, this can be really hard for me, because I really like my husband. He's a stand-up guy! Seriously, he's my best friend, and I like to be with him... A LOT. But he needs his space, and we both need to know who we are as individuals - period.

* Since this post is getting really long, I'll just make one more point. Keep it alive! Keep it fresh. I think a lot of people miss that newness of a relationship. That's understandable. So do something together that you haven't done before. Tell each other what other jobs you would have or places you'd like to go if the sky were the limit. And I'm NOT going to talk about OUR sex life, but about sex in general. Keep this alive as well! Try different things, be educated and know what makes the other person happy. What? Do something other than the missionary position? That's right! Read Redbook - you'll get some ideas. I hear a Kama Sutra book by the bed could be interesting as well. Oh, but realize that when you're 80, you may not be having sex anymore. And that's OK. It's a big part of a relationship, but it's not the basis. I mean, what if she's 9 months pregnant or he's just had a vasectomy. There are going to be times when it doesn't happen. You want everything else working well for that to no matter so much.

So I really want to hear some advice from other people, married or not. Do tell!