In a perfect world, no one, child or adult, would ever go without a meal, a place to sleep or happiness. Maybe it would be my job to make this happen (well not sure I could do much about the happiness part). I would have a cute little bungalow out in the middle of nowhere (but somewhere in Italy) with tons of land so that I could adopt every stray dog that came my way. I would have enough money to feed those dogs.
In a perfect world, there would be no mental illness, no cancer, no AIDS and no one losing a loved one before the age of 70. Now, without those things, you'd think there'd be overpopulation. Not if you had to QUALIFY to reproduce. In a perfect world, past history, a thorough mental evaluation, sample scenarios recorded on video and possibly financial stability would all have to be considered to begin even the idea of parenting. But people also wouldn't get married unless they were really ready and with the right person.
In a perfect world, I could eat as much ice cream, pasta and potatoes as I want (wait, I kind of already do that) and I wouldn't gain a pound (not this part). But I would also always have time to work out and time to relax. I would spend half my time doing a job in front of a computer and the other half doing physical labor and we would all work four days a week instead of five (or more for some people). We would not have alarm clocks. We'd just get up when the sun came in the window, and we would get home from work long before the sun went down, even in the winter.
In a perfect world, I would also be a singer that could play the guitar and piano and possibly the drums. I'd have a band of super-talented people. I would also be a dancer. I don't know when I'd be able to do all this, but who cares. I wouldn't necessarily get paid to do the entertainment stuff.
The temperature outside would always be somewhere between 55 and 85 and it would rain three days a week and only at night. We'd get to travel at least six weeks out of the year and not have to go through customs or worry about someone taking our plane down. I'd have a pool with the walls gradually getting lower so that all my dogs could go swimming with me and would be able to get out without freaking out.
In a VERY perfect world, there would be no cheerleaders. There would be no social classes, just people. No one would have to wear glasses unless they just wanted to. The high school band would get credit for being able to memorize formations, march keeping the ass tight and the feet up, memorizing three to four songs and being able to play all those songs well while ALWAYS facing the crowd and not running into each other. But there would be no Crocs, Uggs (that's for you, Courtney), stirrup pants, leggings, sagging pants, too-tight-for-me pants, button-down shirts that pop open at the bust and no need for whatever those hats are really called that everyone around here calls a toboggan (that's a sleigh people!)
In a perfect world, cars would have no emissions and would never break down. Heating and air conditioning units would never go out. Installing a light fixture would not take two and a half hours. Bosses would have their jobs because they have the ability to do all the jobs under their supervision and do them well - and because they are GREAT with people. Newspapers would be as unbiased as they can. TV news would not exist. Only music would be heard on the radio. There would only be one country station and only people who could perform well LIVE could be in the entertainment business.
Mass e-mails would not be sent out to an entire company that have nothing to do with the population as a whole. "If you love Jesus, send this to eight people" e-mails would not exist (I don't think pushing the send button counts as fruit of the spirit people). Porn would not exist (sorry guys!). Disney World would not exist (sorry, Six Flags seems like a way more happenin' place to me). Everyone would know how to swim, ride a bike and would have sleepovers (kid or adult, it's fun!).
There would be no yellow or orange candy. The only brand of root beer would be Barq's. Domino's Pizza would not exist - or Krystal... or McDonald's. Starbucks wouldn't charge $4 for a cup of joe. Buffets would not exist. Old people would not drive, and old woman would not chop off all their hair (seriously, if you are 50 or older, why do you have to get rid of it all?). Christmas songs would only be played on the radio for the two weeks before Christmas, and only people like Vince Guaraldi could record Christmas albums (definitely no country versions). Kids would not play video games for any longer than an hour a week.
In a perfect world, people would not put clothes on their pets or dress their kids to look like mommy or daddy - or their twin. No one would need a leash for their pet... or kid. I wouldn't have had to take any history classes in college (sorry nerds, I just don't like the subject so much), and I wouldn't have had to work during college. In a perfect world, girls wouldn't be so jealous, have to go to the bathroom together or gossip quite as much. Men would be decisive, not pee on the toilet and not scratch their jewels in public.
In a perfect world, everyone would have the love of a mate as wonderful as mine. My family wouldn't be quite as crazy, and everyone would be required to work (even if it's just a little). Everyone would have a best friend since fifth grade who loves them despite all their flaws. Everyone would have a brother who supports them and can do the runnin' man and the worm like mine.
In a perfect world...
Nov 29, 2007
Nov 28, 2007
Ode to Severo
On a cold and blustery day, my mouse settled on a land of insults and a supposed emotionless plight. Here, in this territory buried deep in cyberspace, an old, dark, 120-pound newspaper man had decided he was the authority on the blogging of his peers. This hater of the blogs - who in his first two days of hurling disparaging comments upon those more fortunate in brain power and comprehension of important issues had written more blogs than the average author - has made it his fate to deconstruct all that is whole and true in thought and measure.
Why, oh why, must this bacon-loving, Stevie Nicks-adoring, Lola-toting fiend carry such a grudge against his fellow man? Because this self-proclaimed emotionless wit is showing his love for his neighbor. That's right. The school yard behavior of crushing those in which you place the most care has ne'er left his wary side, despite the many years he carries.
After much time in the faraway lands of Belize and Kentucky, this not-so-well traveled, former spoiled Latin American inhabitant has made the decision to attempt to humiliate those more fortunate who have written their ideas on said blogs... by creating a blog. This act has proven one thing: It's apparently not an erroneous deed to create a blog, since, as we all well know, actions speak louder than words.
I will draw your attention to the list on his blog, www.baconsoupbysevero.blogspot.com, in which, for the second time in two days, little brown one has decided to poke fun at those who have declared their thankfulness. In said list, "Loree" says she is grateful for such blessings as "husband, The Office and Macs," among many other items. Little brown one, though complimenting several other items on the list, insults the author for stating her gratitude for listing those mentioned above. Husband: Knowing the insulter, he is most likely hiding some pent-up sexual aggression toward her husband or one of his friends. The Office: Anyone who doesn't like this show is a moron, and well, basically just doesn't get it. Macs: When you work on a PC that crashes every four hours and you're OK with that, I suppose you wouldn't like a Mac - the superior being of all that is technological.
Overall, little brown one's blog is slightly humorous but has not lived up to its title, taken from the jocular "Talk Soup." Maybe some day, oh player of tennis and insulter of allies, you will equal the wisdom and banter of such greats as Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert and the writers of The Onion. Until then, I bid adieu.
Why, oh why, must this bacon-loving, Stevie Nicks-adoring, Lola-toting fiend carry such a grudge against his fellow man? Because this self-proclaimed emotionless wit is showing his love for his neighbor. That's right. The school yard behavior of crushing those in which you place the most care has ne'er left his wary side, despite the many years he carries.
After much time in the faraway lands of Belize and Kentucky, this not-so-well traveled, former spoiled Latin American inhabitant has made the decision to attempt to humiliate those more fortunate who have written their ideas on said blogs... by creating a blog. This act has proven one thing: It's apparently not an erroneous deed to create a blog, since, as we all well know, actions speak louder than words.
I will draw your attention to the list on his blog, www.baconsoupbysevero.blogspot.com, in which, for the second time in two days, little brown one has decided to poke fun at those who have declared their thankfulness. In said list, "Loree" says she is grateful for such blessings as "husband, The Office and Macs," among many other items. Little brown one, though complimenting several other items on the list, insults the author for stating her gratitude for listing those mentioned above. Husband: Knowing the insulter, he is most likely hiding some pent-up sexual aggression toward her husband or one of his friends. The Office: Anyone who doesn't like this show is a moron, and well, basically just doesn't get it. Macs: When you work on a PC that crashes every four hours and you're OK with that, I suppose you wouldn't like a Mac - the superior being of all that is technological.
Overall, little brown one's blog is slightly humorous but has not lived up to its title, taken from the jocular "Talk Soup." Maybe some day, oh player of tennis and insulter of allies, you will equal the wisdom and banter of such greats as Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert and the writers of The Onion. Until then, I bid adieu.
Nov 26, 2007
Pros and Cons of Thanksgiving
Well, the long weekend has past and I feel rejuvenated yet not ready to come back to work. But in mulling over the events of the past few days, I have decided to make a pros and cons list of Thanksgiving. So here goes:
Pros
The food: There's always plenty to choose from, and I usually eat too much...
Family: It's great to see everyone after not seeing them for months, especially Chris' grandmother - Arlene - she's an amazing woman and though she's sweet as can be, she'll tell it like it is. I respect that in a person. No bull crap!
Weather: in Georgia and Tennessee, the last Thursday in November usually means beautiful colors and cool temperatures. This year it was a little cooler than usual, but it's nothing like what we would be feeling up north.
Traveling: Though being in a car is not the best way to have fun, it allows us to have a great view. Driving from Rome to Cleveland, we tend to take Highway 225 quite a bit, which is SO beautiful and beats the interstate any day.
Babies: Though you probably wouldn't think I even like kids from some of my past blogs, I really do. And on Thanksgiving I get to see lots of babies/kids. My favorites include: Kylee, Hannah, Sarah (all at the age of 3 and all with their own personality), Isaac (who I didn't get to see this year but is the smartest kid I know), Cadence and the new addition to the family, Josiah (yeah, that's his name - the parents are very much into biblical names). All of these kids make me laugh. And best of all, I get to play with them and then give them back.
Chris: It's always good to have a day, or a few days, off with my favorite person in the whole world!
Reflection: It's a great time to think about all the blessings in our lives!
Cons
The food: Yeah, there's plenty of it, but I seem to be a little pickier than I once was. People may get offended, but I don't like stuffing with a half pound of sage in it, dry turkey, flat biscuits, gravy that is congealed or dessert that is nothing but pure sugar!
Family: I love them, but oh my gosh! Chris' dad's side of the family is great. There's like 40 people in one house and we all seem to get along and just enjoy being together. Then we go to Debbie Downer's house, where we'll hear about the latest death in town or get chewed out for not visiting enough (and they wonder why we don't visit more often). Then there's my family, which is a mix of good and crazy! I love seeing all of them, especially my brother Matt and his family and my sister. My other brother hasn't shown up for a family gathering in about three or four years, and my mom always seems to make it about her, even just for a few minutes... But, like I said, I love 'em!
Birthday: Like a few years in the past, my birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. Some people think this is great. No, it's not. I don't like sharing MY day with a turkey or that part of the family that is on the cons list. No one remembers it's your birthday, and maybe they wouldn't anyway. But I wouldn't be around to see that they forgot. It really doesn't piss me off as much as it sounds like. I have a great husband who always makes me feel special. Also, my awesome best friend and I have made a pact to make each other's birthday special since a) we are getting older and no one cares and b) my birthday falls a month before Christmas and hers falls about two weeks after Christmas. We both always get the old "well, this is your birthday AND your Christmas present." Nice...
Weight gain: I don't think I actually gained any weight, but it felt like it. I tried to do moderation each day, but when there's like 1,000 calories per three bites, it gets difficult. Oh well! I'll just have to run my ass off... literally!
Abandonment: I have to leave my dog too much around the holidays. I mean, everyone gets to bring their snotty, coughing, screaming kids. (here I go sounding like I don't like kids again) Why can't I bring my sweet puppy? Yeah, she sheds and licks people a lot but that's it! She'll help entertain the children, eat scraps off the floor and is happy to see everyone. One of these days I'll convince everyone that dogs are better than most people!
So that's it I guess. I'm sure you all share some of these feelings about your own Thanksgiving celebrations. Overall, I really had a great weekend and hope you all did, too!
Pros
The food: There's always plenty to choose from, and I usually eat too much...
Family: It's great to see everyone after not seeing them for months, especially Chris' grandmother - Arlene - she's an amazing woman and though she's sweet as can be, she'll tell it like it is. I respect that in a person. No bull crap!
Weather: in Georgia and Tennessee, the last Thursday in November usually means beautiful colors and cool temperatures. This year it was a little cooler than usual, but it's nothing like what we would be feeling up north.
Traveling: Though being in a car is not the best way to have fun, it allows us to have a great view. Driving from Rome to Cleveland, we tend to take Highway 225 quite a bit, which is SO beautiful and beats the interstate any day.
Babies: Though you probably wouldn't think I even like kids from some of my past blogs, I really do. And on Thanksgiving I get to see lots of babies/kids. My favorites include: Kylee, Hannah, Sarah (all at the age of 3 and all with their own personality), Isaac (who I didn't get to see this year but is the smartest kid I know), Cadence and the new addition to the family, Josiah (yeah, that's his name - the parents are very much into biblical names). All of these kids make me laugh. And best of all, I get to play with them and then give them back.
Chris: It's always good to have a day, or a few days, off with my favorite person in the whole world!
Reflection: It's a great time to think about all the blessings in our lives!
Cons
The food: Yeah, there's plenty of it, but I seem to be a little pickier than I once was. People may get offended, but I don't like stuffing with a half pound of sage in it, dry turkey, flat biscuits, gravy that is congealed or dessert that is nothing but pure sugar!
Family: I love them, but oh my gosh! Chris' dad's side of the family is great. There's like 40 people in one house and we all seem to get along and just enjoy being together. Then we go to Debbie Downer's house, where we'll hear about the latest death in town or get chewed out for not visiting enough (and they wonder why we don't visit more often). Then there's my family, which is a mix of good and crazy! I love seeing all of them, especially my brother Matt and his family and my sister. My other brother hasn't shown up for a family gathering in about three or four years, and my mom always seems to make it about her, even just for a few minutes... But, like I said, I love 'em!
Birthday: Like a few years in the past, my birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. Some people think this is great. No, it's not. I don't like sharing MY day with a turkey or that part of the family that is on the cons list. No one remembers it's your birthday, and maybe they wouldn't anyway. But I wouldn't be around to see that they forgot. It really doesn't piss me off as much as it sounds like. I have a great husband who always makes me feel special. Also, my awesome best friend and I have made a pact to make each other's birthday special since a) we are getting older and no one cares and b) my birthday falls a month before Christmas and hers falls about two weeks after Christmas. We both always get the old "well, this is your birthday AND your Christmas present." Nice...
Weight gain: I don't think I actually gained any weight, but it felt like it. I tried to do moderation each day, but when there's like 1,000 calories per three bites, it gets difficult. Oh well! I'll just have to run my ass off... literally!
Abandonment: I have to leave my dog too much around the holidays. I mean, everyone gets to bring their snotty, coughing, screaming kids. (here I go sounding like I don't like kids again) Why can't I bring my sweet puppy? Yeah, she sheds and licks people a lot but that's it! She'll help entertain the children, eat scraps off the floor and is happy to see everyone. One of these days I'll convince everyone that dogs are better than most people!
So that's it I guess. I'm sure you all share some of these feelings about your own Thanksgiving celebrations. Overall, I really had a great weekend and hope you all did, too!
Nov 20, 2007
Top 10 Reasons I Love My New Job
10. The People. Though not quite as humorous, or diverse in character, as my former coworkers, the people I work with now are hard-working. They take their jobs seriously (though not too seriously with a few exceptions) and get the job done with little to no whining. Some of my current coworkers really know when to have fun. Others, not so much, but I'm working on them...
9. The View. I work on the largest college campus in the world - 24,500 acres or somewhere near there - and every time I pass by a window or have to go to another building, I see the beautiful Georgia fall, lots of deer and squirrels and have access to a good walk at all times.
8. The Coffee. That's right, the Bean'ry, as it is called, serves Starbucks coffee. And on that same note, I have access to the dining hall and the snack area, neither of which I go to very often. But it's nice to know they are there.
7. Free Gym Access. Yeah, I haven't taken advantage of this one as much as I should, but it's really going to come in handy when the new facility is finished...
6. Location. I am about seven minutes from my front door, which really comes in handy considering I'm running late like every morning. Plus, I can go home for lunch and not worry about getting back in time. Sadie appreciates this as well.
5. Age. Because I work at a college and there are 20-something students around at all times, I get asked about my major or how my classes are going every few days. Now, for someone about to be 27, this is wonderful. I love being able to say, "Oh, I'm not a student. I work here." The guy in charge of student work, to this day, is still like, "I really thought you were a student." I love it. I just hope I can keep it up for a while!
4. Benefits. Insurance is great (it's free until I have a kid!). And the retirement plan is even better! Plus, if I have kids, they can attend the preschool here once they are potty-trained and I'll get a discount. And if I'm still working here when my kids are college-age and they want to go to school here, they get free tuition. That's right, FREE! If they don't want to go here but they can qualify for the tuition exchange program with tons of other colleges and universities, there's some major discountage going on there, too. And Chris is considering going back for his master's because he gets a discount for being married to me. The reasons for being married to me keep growing for him... just kidding!
3. Hours. After many 60- to 70-hour weeks in the lovely newspaper business thanks to pointless special sections and chatty bosses, I work from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. with an hour for lunch. It's normal. I love it. And if I ever do have kids, this schedule will allow him/her/them to know their mother. Newspaper life would not have allowed for that. Also, along the same lines, I finally get holidays again!!!! I get many holidays plus a few extra days for Thanksgiving (which is why I'm writing this - won't be here for the rest of the week) and an entire week for Christmas! It's almost like being in college again! Weehew!
2. Creativity. Though I miss writing sometimes, I LOVE the work I do at the college. Someone brings in info and says, "Make this look good," and I get to do that - or try anyway. It's weird walking around campus and seeing a brochure I designed or a flyer I laid out, but it's also a sense of pride. I have a lot to learn and can't wait to grow and be the best designer in the Southeast (not sure I could ever compare to some in Atlanta, but I can try).
And the No. 1 reason I love my new job: IT'S NOT THE ROME NEWS-TRIBUNE!!!!
9. The View. I work on the largest college campus in the world - 24,500 acres or somewhere near there - and every time I pass by a window or have to go to another building, I see the beautiful Georgia fall, lots of deer and squirrels and have access to a good walk at all times.
8. The Coffee. That's right, the Bean'ry, as it is called, serves Starbucks coffee. And on that same note, I have access to the dining hall and the snack area, neither of which I go to very often. But it's nice to know they are there.
7. Free Gym Access. Yeah, I haven't taken advantage of this one as much as I should, but it's really going to come in handy when the new facility is finished...
6. Location. I am about seven minutes from my front door, which really comes in handy considering I'm running late like every morning. Plus, I can go home for lunch and not worry about getting back in time. Sadie appreciates this as well.
5. Age. Because I work at a college and there are 20-something students around at all times, I get asked about my major or how my classes are going every few days. Now, for someone about to be 27, this is wonderful. I love being able to say, "Oh, I'm not a student. I work here." The guy in charge of student work, to this day, is still like, "I really thought you were a student." I love it. I just hope I can keep it up for a while!
4. Benefits. Insurance is great (it's free until I have a kid!). And the retirement plan is even better! Plus, if I have kids, they can attend the preschool here once they are potty-trained and I'll get a discount. And if I'm still working here when my kids are college-age and they want to go to school here, they get free tuition. That's right, FREE! If they don't want to go here but they can qualify for the tuition exchange program with tons of other colleges and universities, there's some major discountage going on there, too. And Chris is considering going back for his master's because he gets a discount for being married to me. The reasons for being married to me keep growing for him... just kidding!
3. Hours. After many 60- to 70-hour weeks in the lovely newspaper business thanks to pointless special sections and chatty bosses, I work from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. with an hour for lunch. It's normal. I love it. And if I ever do have kids, this schedule will allow him/her/them to know their mother. Newspaper life would not have allowed for that. Also, along the same lines, I finally get holidays again!!!! I get many holidays plus a few extra days for Thanksgiving (which is why I'm writing this - won't be here for the rest of the week) and an entire week for Christmas! It's almost like being in college again! Weehew!
2. Creativity. Though I miss writing sometimes, I LOVE the work I do at the college. Someone brings in info and says, "Make this look good," and I get to do that - or try anyway. It's weird walking around campus and seeing a brochure I designed or a flyer I laid out, but it's also a sense of pride. I have a lot to learn and can't wait to grow and be the best designer in the Southeast (not sure I could ever compare to some in Atlanta, but I can try).
And the No. 1 reason I love my new job: IT'S NOT THE ROME NEWS-TRIBUNE!!!!
Nov 19, 2007
It's the Wal-Mart Way
So Sunday consisted of a couple of house projects that took way longer than they should have, the usual dog walk around the hood and the cooking of a big ol' pot of spaghetti. But it also consisted of the dreaded hour-and-a-half excursion to Wal-Mart for groceries.
Now I know what some of you are thinking: "Do you HAVE to go to Wal-Mart?" Well, the answer is no. However, I refuse to go to a store called Piggly Wiggly; Food Lion has the selection of a Saturday yard sale at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and Kroger is on the other side of town. I do occasionally go to Kroger, but with gas prices the way they are, it's really a selection between two evils. So on to Wally World I went, list and coupons in hand (yes, I clip coupons out of the Sunday paper EVERY week cause I'm a dork).
Grocery shopping used to be a little fun for me. As a child, my dad did a lot of the grocery shopping, and it was a little adventure for my brother and I to get to go. One of us would call "shot gun," and my dad would wait to turn off the car right as his little backup singer was belting out a tune. But now, it's just a task that ends up taking longer than I would like, and Wal-Mart, with its messy aisles and slow lines, doesn't make the situation any more pleasant.
I grab a shopping cart (yes, I DO NOT call it a buggy - that's what you put a very small baby in to ride them around in the park), all the while knowing that there are various types of bacteria all over the handle and seat - and probably some kid's fecal matter as well. I first head to the bathroom-, house- and dog-related aisles and then move on to the food so that the cold products stay cold longer. For some reason, when I walk into Wal-Mart, and only Wal-Mart, my contacts immediately dry up and I'm blinking the entire time. Maybe my eyes have some kind of aversion to the store???
Sunday's visit had its share of new frustrations. I could not seem to find anything. Wal-Mart has decided to rearrange all of its aisles, so nothing is as it was just last week. Now, this is the second time in the past three or four years that this has happened. How is this a good thing? Do they think that keeping people in the store longer will make them buy more stuff? Maybe that's the case for the idiots who fall for that crap, but it really does nothing but piss me off.
While tripping over crap and very small Hispanic children, I was also on the search for baskets. My mom recently bought me this nice chest for our bedroom (yeah, it was nice of her) that has three compartments and I wanted to put a basket in each compartment. I searched in the aisles for containers, housewares, accessories, bathroom stuff and finally found baskets in the arts and crafts department. It only took about 25 minutes. No biggy. I had nothing better to do...
Then I get to the cashier, which is usually packed and consists of me waiting another 20 minutes (which would have been fine this time because there was a People magazine sitting on the rack with Matt Damon's beautiful face all over it). But on this day, a cashier approached me and said she could get me in her lane. What? Are you being helpful? You won't last long, lady! So I pile the groceries on as fast as I can, then rush to the bagging area to put my bags in the cart (oh the days of bag boys!). But then all the computer checkouts start freaking out and I have to swipe my card again, which always makes me nervous. I have a bad feeling I paid twice for one round of groceries. I'll be keeping an eye on that one.
I then make my way out the door, practically sprinting to avoid the little old lady saying she needs to see my receipt because I have a pack of tissue on the rack of the cart. I swear, it's like the freakin' Secret Service patting you down on your way out the door. Oh, and if you ever buy condoms, make sure the cashier deactivates the little thing inside the box or the alarm will go off at the door. Oh yeah, it happened to me! Then I had to pull the box out while the lady took it over to a cash register to deactivate it. The alarm might as well have said, "This woman just bought condoms." So when the lady said, "Sorry, that was probably embarrassing," I said, "Not as embarrassing as it would be for me to have a bunch of kids running around I don't want." TAKE THAT!!! Besides, of all the things in that store, I think it would be OK if people were stealing condoms. In fact, more people should steal condoms!
But the highlight (and I use bitter sarcasm here) of my shopping experience at Wal-Mart Sunday was on my way to the arts and crafts section when Don Juan in all his nastiness said, "Hey baby, how you doin'?" as we passed. He was gone before I realized what had just been said or I would have turned around to say, "Are you fucking kidding me?" But when I did turn around, something gave me the impression that this was the only thing this guy could say in English. So I decided to ignore the little Joey Tribiani wannabe.
But, you know, all in a day's shopping at the lovely Wal-Mart.
Now I know what some of you are thinking: "Do you HAVE to go to Wal-Mart?" Well, the answer is no. However, I refuse to go to a store called Piggly Wiggly; Food Lion has the selection of a Saturday yard sale at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and Kroger is on the other side of town. I do occasionally go to Kroger, but with gas prices the way they are, it's really a selection between two evils. So on to Wally World I went, list and coupons in hand (yes, I clip coupons out of the Sunday paper EVERY week cause I'm a dork).
Grocery shopping used to be a little fun for me. As a child, my dad did a lot of the grocery shopping, and it was a little adventure for my brother and I to get to go. One of us would call "shot gun," and my dad would wait to turn off the car right as his little backup singer was belting out a tune. But now, it's just a task that ends up taking longer than I would like, and Wal-Mart, with its messy aisles and slow lines, doesn't make the situation any more pleasant.
I grab a shopping cart (yes, I DO NOT call it a buggy - that's what you put a very small baby in to ride them around in the park), all the while knowing that there are various types of bacteria all over the handle and seat - and probably some kid's fecal matter as well. I first head to the bathroom-, house- and dog-related aisles and then move on to the food so that the cold products stay cold longer. For some reason, when I walk into Wal-Mart, and only Wal-Mart, my contacts immediately dry up and I'm blinking the entire time. Maybe my eyes have some kind of aversion to the store???
Sunday's visit had its share of new frustrations. I could not seem to find anything. Wal-Mart has decided to rearrange all of its aisles, so nothing is as it was just last week. Now, this is the second time in the past three or four years that this has happened. How is this a good thing? Do they think that keeping people in the store longer will make them buy more stuff? Maybe that's the case for the idiots who fall for that crap, but it really does nothing but piss me off.
While tripping over crap and very small Hispanic children, I was also on the search for baskets. My mom recently bought me this nice chest for our bedroom (yeah, it was nice of her) that has three compartments and I wanted to put a basket in each compartment. I searched in the aisles for containers, housewares, accessories, bathroom stuff and finally found baskets in the arts and crafts department. It only took about 25 minutes. No biggy. I had nothing better to do...
Then I get to the cashier, which is usually packed and consists of me waiting another 20 minutes (which would have been fine this time because there was a People magazine sitting on the rack with Matt Damon's beautiful face all over it). But on this day, a cashier approached me and said she could get me in her lane. What? Are you being helpful? You won't last long, lady! So I pile the groceries on as fast as I can, then rush to the bagging area to put my bags in the cart (oh the days of bag boys!). But then all the computer checkouts start freaking out and I have to swipe my card again, which always makes me nervous. I have a bad feeling I paid twice for one round of groceries. I'll be keeping an eye on that one.
I then make my way out the door, practically sprinting to avoid the little old lady saying she needs to see my receipt because I have a pack of tissue on the rack of the cart. I swear, it's like the freakin' Secret Service patting you down on your way out the door. Oh, and if you ever buy condoms, make sure the cashier deactivates the little thing inside the box or the alarm will go off at the door. Oh yeah, it happened to me! Then I had to pull the box out while the lady took it over to a cash register to deactivate it. The alarm might as well have said, "This woman just bought condoms." So when the lady said, "Sorry, that was probably embarrassing," I said, "Not as embarrassing as it would be for me to have a bunch of kids running around I don't want." TAKE THAT!!! Besides, of all the things in that store, I think it would be OK if people were stealing condoms. In fact, more people should steal condoms!
But the highlight (and I use bitter sarcasm here) of my shopping experience at Wal-Mart Sunday was on my way to the arts and crafts section when Don Juan in all his nastiness said, "Hey baby, how you doin'?" as we passed. He was gone before I realized what had just been said or I would have turned around to say, "Are you fucking kidding me?" But when I did turn around, something gave me the impression that this was the only thing this guy could say in English. So I decided to ignore the little Joey Tribiani wannabe.
But, you know, all in a day's shopping at the lovely Wal-Mart.
Nov 16, 2007
On Average
I read this fabulous article today on cnn.com and had to share it. I hope it's OK to reprint this...like I said, I got it from cnn.com and the author is listed:
One Day in America
by Nancy Gibbs
No one, of course, sets out to be average. We're all about skyscrapers and Big Gulps and $200 sneakers that promise an extra edge on the court. Peoria, Ill., once paid a p.r. firm $60,000 to help counter its image as the most average city in the country, an image that "really hurts," said a local official. Who'd settle for being the most like everyone else?
Even finding the Average American is a challenge, since means and medians and majorities can hide as much as they reveal: pity the statistician whose job it is to flatten us into a trend. The average household has 2.6 members, but most families prefer their children whole. On average we are 36.6 years old, but in reality we are newborn and toddling, aged and wise. We exercise close to the recommended 20 minutes a day—but that's because 17% of us exercise for well over an hour, while the rest of us scarcely stir at all. The vast majority of Americans believe in God, and more than 90% own a Bible, but only half can name a single Gospel, and 10% think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. So what's the average state of our eternal souls?
But if the perfect average is a mirage, you can still learn something by comparing yourself to the crowd. Depending on how closely you cleave to the statistical norm, you prefer figure-skating to nascar, live in the state where you were born, spend more money in restaurants than grocery stores and are just as happy as you would be if you earned 20 times your salary. At some point today you will say a prayer, not floss, take a shower for 10 minutes but not sing in it, drive an eight-year-old car to work, spend 95% of the day indoors and 21⁄2 hours online, consume 20 teaspoons of added sugar and not save any money. On weekends, people over 75 spend 11⁄2 hours reading, while those from 15 to 19 spend seven minutes. On Thanksgiving, 88% will eat turkey; most Americans prefer the white meat; the rest of the world, the dark. The average family has more televisions than people—but we spend about the same amount of time watching them as we did 40 years ago.
Our times have changed since 1965, when the typical family had a breadwinning father and a stay-at-home mother; now about 20% of families do. Economists warned in 1999 that working parents had 22 fewer hours of family time than they did 30 years before, which set off alarms about neglected latchkey children growing up loose and wild compared with Ozzie and Harriet's—except that the warnings were flatly wrong. Parents are both working harder and spending more time with their children—especially fathers, who spend 153% more time each week on child care than in 1965.
That means something else has to give, yet we are not sleeping less, nor do we have less free time in general. Look closely at the snapshots, and you see the old rules fading: that you can't be in two places at once, that there are only so many hours in a day. When Mom and Dad are standing in the school bleachers, cheering the baseball team while e-mailing their marketing team, are they at work or at play? We watch the news while cooking dinner, whiten our teeth while we sleep. Modern parents multitask about 40 more hours a week than did their counterparts in 1975. Time spent solely with other adults has fallen, particularly with the adult you are married to: pure spousal time is down 26% since 1975.
When you peel back the numbers and look at the lives underneath, it turns out there's much to love about Average, and much to learn, as Kevin O'Keefe discovered when he set out to write The Average American: The Extraordinary Search for the Nation's Most Ordinary Citizen. We may be fascinated by the rich and famous, but polls show we don't want to be them: the average American lives 13 years longer than the average celebrity, who is four times as likely to commit suicide. What O'Keefe found in his travels was that being average usually means having a certain balance in your life. "Once you explain it in those terms," he says, "it's a pretty fulfilling thing for most Americans." Think of it as the wisdom of crowds, and pretty soon the average just might become your ideal. *end of article*
I read this and immediately thought, "for the most part, I would love to be average." Now, when compared to others in my locale, family life and those my age, there's a good mix going on. I probably go beyond the average in many areas and possibly "below" the average in others.
I have a college education, which is pretty average for people my age but no where near the norm in my family. My husband, who I married fairly young compared to the Northern U.S. but fairly late in life compared to the Southern U.S. (probably not really - it just seems that way), also has a college education (and really is a frickin' genius). We purchased a very inexpensive yet charming home and took on the task of renovating it - certainly not the average for a 20-something married couple three years out of college. And the big one: we've been married for five years now and just have a dog. That's right ladies and gents, no kids. This is probably not as big a surprise for the Northerners again, but the Southerners are having a hard time with it, especially the family members. Bless their little hearts... (but that's another post for another day).
But the area in my life I would like to be average in right now has to do with parents. So many of my friends, and even some family, seem to be able to go to mom and dad for help anytime. For Chris and I, it works the other way around. Our not-so-independent moms love coming to us for help. I won't get into details. It's a recent thing for Chris' mom but it's the "average" behavior of my mom. She's learning to be more independent, especially after a two-hour conversation with the baby in the family (that would be me) that consisted of phrases like "I can't always take care of you" and "You're going to have to own up to the consequences of your decisions." Who's the parent here? So here, I would like to be a bit more average.
I'm proud of most of my non-average behavior though. I'd like to have more of it. I'd like to spend more time helping others, volunteering to help build a house or feeding the hungry - or even some day be like my friend Kari who spent two straight years of her life in Africa teaching small villages about the importance of public health while also giving and receiving a great deal of love to/from people who may not consider themselves "without" anything!
But when I read this article, I was so surprised at where I stood on each topic. Our household, in fact, has 2.6 members. Sadie is almost a person! I am proud to say that I can name the Gospels and I know that Joan of Arc is NOT Noah's wife. I DO prefer figure skating to NASCAR. I probably spend more money in restaurants than at the grocery store - so sad! I drive an eight-year-old car to work and probably spend 90 percent of my time indoors. I don't sing in the shower; that's what my car is for.
Hm... interesting...
One Day in America
by Nancy Gibbs
No one, of course, sets out to be average. We're all about skyscrapers and Big Gulps and $200 sneakers that promise an extra edge on the court. Peoria, Ill., once paid a p.r. firm $60,000 to help counter its image as the most average city in the country, an image that "really hurts," said a local official. Who'd settle for being the most like everyone else?
Even finding the Average American is a challenge, since means and medians and majorities can hide as much as they reveal: pity the statistician whose job it is to flatten us into a trend. The average household has 2.6 members, but most families prefer their children whole. On average we are 36.6 years old, but in reality we are newborn and toddling, aged and wise. We exercise close to the recommended 20 minutes a day—but that's because 17% of us exercise for well over an hour, while the rest of us scarcely stir at all. The vast majority of Americans believe in God, and more than 90% own a Bible, but only half can name a single Gospel, and 10% think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. So what's the average state of our eternal souls?
But if the perfect average is a mirage, you can still learn something by comparing yourself to the crowd. Depending on how closely you cleave to the statistical norm, you prefer figure-skating to nascar, live in the state where you were born, spend more money in restaurants than grocery stores and are just as happy as you would be if you earned 20 times your salary. At some point today you will say a prayer, not floss, take a shower for 10 minutes but not sing in it, drive an eight-year-old car to work, spend 95% of the day indoors and 21⁄2 hours online, consume 20 teaspoons of added sugar and not save any money. On weekends, people over 75 spend 11⁄2 hours reading, while those from 15 to 19 spend seven minutes. On Thanksgiving, 88% will eat turkey; most Americans prefer the white meat; the rest of the world, the dark. The average family has more televisions than people—but we spend about the same amount of time watching them as we did 40 years ago.
Our times have changed since 1965, when the typical family had a breadwinning father and a stay-at-home mother; now about 20% of families do. Economists warned in 1999 that working parents had 22 fewer hours of family time than they did 30 years before, which set off alarms about neglected latchkey children growing up loose and wild compared with Ozzie and Harriet's—except that the warnings were flatly wrong. Parents are both working harder and spending more time with their children—especially fathers, who spend 153% more time each week on child care than in 1965.
That means something else has to give, yet we are not sleeping less, nor do we have less free time in general. Look closely at the snapshots, and you see the old rules fading: that you can't be in two places at once, that there are only so many hours in a day. When Mom and Dad are standing in the school bleachers, cheering the baseball team while e-mailing their marketing team, are they at work or at play? We watch the news while cooking dinner, whiten our teeth while we sleep. Modern parents multitask about 40 more hours a week than did their counterparts in 1975. Time spent solely with other adults has fallen, particularly with the adult you are married to: pure spousal time is down 26% since 1975.
When you peel back the numbers and look at the lives underneath, it turns out there's much to love about Average, and much to learn, as Kevin O'Keefe discovered when he set out to write The Average American: The Extraordinary Search for the Nation's Most Ordinary Citizen. We may be fascinated by the rich and famous, but polls show we don't want to be them: the average American lives 13 years longer than the average celebrity, who is four times as likely to commit suicide. What O'Keefe found in his travels was that being average usually means having a certain balance in your life. "Once you explain it in those terms," he says, "it's a pretty fulfilling thing for most Americans." Think of it as the wisdom of crowds, and pretty soon the average just might become your ideal. *end of article*
I read this and immediately thought, "for the most part, I would love to be average." Now, when compared to others in my locale, family life and those my age, there's a good mix going on. I probably go beyond the average in many areas and possibly "below" the average in others.
I have a college education, which is pretty average for people my age but no where near the norm in my family. My husband, who I married fairly young compared to the Northern U.S. but fairly late in life compared to the Southern U.S. (probably not really - it just seems that way), also has a college education (and really is a frickin' genius). We purchased a very inexpensive yet charming home and took on the task of renovating it - certainly not the average for a 20-something married couple three years out of college. And the big one: we've been married for five years now and just have a dog. That's right ladies and gents, no kids. This is probably not as big a surprise for the Northerners again, but the Southerners are having a hard time with it, especially the family members. Bless their little hearts... (but that's another post for another day).
But the area in my life I would like to be average in right now has to do with parents. So many of my friends, and even some family, seem to be able to go to mom and dad for help anytime. For Chris and I, it works the other way around. Our not-so-independent moms love coming to us for help. I won't get into details. It's a recent thing for Chris' mom but it's the "average" behavior of my mom. She's learning to be more independent, especially after a two-hour conversation with the baby in the family (that would be me) that consisted of phrases like "I can't always take care of you" and "You're going to have to own up to the consequences of your decisions." Who's the parent here? So here, I would like to be a bit more average.
I'm proud of most of my non-average behavior though. I'd like to have more of it. I'd like to spend more time helping others, volunteering to help build a house or feeding the hungry - or even some day be like my friend Kari who spent two straight years of her life in Africa teaching small villages about the importance of public health while also giving and receiving a great deal of love to/from people who may not consider themselves "without" anything!
But when I read this article, I was so surprised at where I stood on each topic. Our household, in fact, has 2.6 members. Sadie is almost a person! I am proud to say that I can name the Gospels and I know that Joan of Arc is NOT Noah's wife. I DO prefer figure skating to NASCAR. I probably spend more money in restaurants than at the grocery store - so sad! I drive an eight-year-old car to work and probably spend 90 percent of my time indoors. I don't sing in the shower; that's what my car is for.
Hm... interesting...
Nov 14, 2007
Finally, People magazine sees it my way
After years of Brad Pitt, George Clooney and other obvious hotties gracing the cover of People magazine's Sexiest Men Alive list, they are finally seeing it my way. This year's title of Sexiest Man Alive goes to... drum roll please... Matt Damon!!!! And also on this list is McDreamy himself, Patrick Dempsey.
First of all, I am a little ashamed to admit that I know this because I visit www.people.com on a semi-regular basis. Who am I kidding, I visit it every day! Nonetheless, I am in complete agreement on this year's choice for the following reasons:
1. Matt Damon isn't just hot, he's talented. From "Good Will Hunting" to the "Bourne" series, the man has shown his versatility in character and even writing.
2. He's hot. Period. He's got that slightly chiseled look with blue eyes, nice lips and a KILLER smile. Plus, he's got broad shoulders and a nice ass (sorry, but it's true). I mean, how many women saw the first of the "Bourne" series and didn't wish they were that girl getting her hair cut by Matt, only to make out with him afterward? Shoot, I don't even know who the heck the girl is, and frankly, it doesn't matter.
3. And finally and possibly most importantly, he reminds me of my super-hot husband! Seriously, they have many of the same features...
I'm just glad People finally realized the complete hotness that IS Matt Damon. Oh, but apparently like everyone else in Hollywood, they felt bad for his less-talented, old-school friend - Ben Affleck - and included him in the list, too. I'm sorry, but no fucking way should Ben be included with Matt, Patrick and Brad!
Maybe next year they'll realize how cute Hayden Christensen is...
First of all, I am a little ashamed to admit that I know this because I visit www.people.com on a semi-regular basis. Who am I kidding, I visit it every day! Nonetheless, I am in complete agreement on this year's choice for the following reasons:
1. Matt Damon isn't just hot, he's talented. From "Good Will Hunting" to the "Bourne" series, the man has shown his versatility in character and even writing.
2. He's hot. Period. He's got that slightly chiseled look with blue eyes, nice lips and a KILLER smile. Plus, he's got broad shoulders and a nice ass (sorry, but it's true). I mean, how many women saw the first of the "Bourne" series and didn't wish they were that girl getting her hair cut by Matt, only to make out with him afterward? Shoot, I don't even know who the heck the girl is, and frankly, it doesn't matter.
3. And finally and possibly most importantly, he reminds me of my super-hot husband! Seriously, they have many of the same features...
I'm just glad People finally realized the complete hotness that IS Matt Damon. Oh, but apparently like everyone else in Hollywood, they felt bad for his less-talented, old-school friend - Ben Affleck - and included him in the list, too. I'm sorry, but no fucking way should Ben be included with Matt, Patrick and Brad!
Maybe next year they'll realize how cute Hayden Christensen is...
Nov 13, 2007
Dream a Little Dream of Me
Stemming from yet another work discussion (I swear we have work to do), the topic of dreams has entered my mind again. I say again because I'm one of those people who dreams every night and will wake up the next morning remembering at least one of those dreams. Of course, as I wrote that I realized I can't remember any dreams I had last night... but you get the picture. And so usually at some point during the day something will trigger the memory of a dream I had.
So one of my coworkers, a 50-something married woman with a great personality and a love of shagging (the dance, although she once informed me that she loves to do both!), said she had a dream last night that consisted of her growing a penis out of the right side of her chest, just above her breast. Now, I have had some strange dreams in my lifetime, but this tops the cake in the book of weird dreams. We all began to share our odd dreams, which for me includes the following list:
1. My most reoccuring dream is of a massive tornado. Now, keep in mind I have never seen a tornado in person, just on TV. In my dream, I am always trying to get away from said tornado, and in a couple of these dreams, the tornado is trying to suck up Chris. I am holding on to him for dear life and won't let go. These dreams began long ago, possibly in high school though I distinctly remember having one or two in college. All I know is they scare the hell out of me!
2. Another reoccuring dream that I have had, though not in a long time, is of running into a guy I had a HUGE crush on for years. I'm talking met him in sixth grade and was infatuated until early high school - HUGE crush. He never gave me the time of day (the good ol' "I'm a jock and you're a band geek so fuck off" attitude). Anyway, in the dream, he is always like: "Hey, you look great; want to get together sometime?" And I'm like, "You missed your chance. I'm happy and with the best guy in the world," with my nose high in the air. Can you need closure for something that never existed? Weird!
3. The night after finding out my grandfather (only the second greatest man to ever walk the earth, aside from my dad - of course this is not counting Jesus) had passed away, I had a dream of him coming to me and saying, "I'm OK." WOE! This was just crazy, but it made me feel really peaceful about the whole thing. Kind of spiritual really.
4. I've had a couple of dreams about my dad being here, which were usually really cool dreams. In one in particular, I remember telling him he would be so proud because I graduated from college (first in the fam) and that I sometimes still pick up my trumpet (the man used to mimic Miles Davis and Maynard Furgeson on the horn). And I think my dog was there, too (the love of dogs is a family trait). Pretty cool...
5. Now two really weird dreams included kissing coworkers. Yeah, not something I'm proud of, but they were dreams. And hell, sometimes dreams are just plain stupid.
So, the tornado dream means this according to www.dreamdoctor.com (which I'm sure is a credible site):
Tornadoes are unpredictable and violent storms which often separate families and destroy property. Frequent dreams of tornadoes may reflect past family instability, or people who are prone to violent “outbursts” or unpredictable mood swings. Tornadoes frequently represent family members or relatives with drug, alcohol, mood disorders and violent tempers. For people living in tornado areas, the dreams may reflect literal fears of an encounter.
All I can figure is that it's related to my mom, cause she's like PMS on crack! Oh well!
What are some of YOUR odd or reoccuring dreams?
So one of my coworkers, a 50-something married woman with a great personality and a love of shagging (the dance, although she once informed me that she loves to do both!), said she had a dream last night that consisted of her growing a penis out of the right side of her chest, just above her breast. Now, I have had some strange dreams in my lifetime, but this tops the cake in the book of weird dreams. We all began to share our odd dreams, which for me includes the following list:
1. My most reoccuring dream is of a massive tornado. Now, keep in mind I have never seen a tornado in person, just on TV. In my dream, I am always trying to get away from said tornado, and in a couple of these dreams, the tornado is trying to suck up Chris. I am holding on to him for dear life and won't let go. These dreams began long ago, possibly in high school though I distinctly remember having one or two in college. All I know is they scare the hell out of me!
2. Another reoccuring dream that I have had, though not in a long time, is of running into a guy I had a HUGE crush on for years. I'm talking met him in sixth grade and was infatuated until early high school - HUGE crush. He never gave me the time of day (the good ol' "I'm a jock and you're a band geek so fuck off" attitude). Anyway, in the dream, he is always like: "Hey, you look great; want to get together sometime?" And I'm like, "You missed your chance. I'm happy and with the best guy in the world," with my nose high in the air. Can you need closure for something that never existed? Weird!
3. The night after finding out my grandfather (only the second greatest man to ever walk the earth, aside from my dad - of course this is not counting Jesus) had passed away, I had a dream of him coming to me and saying, "I'm OK." WOE! This was just crazy, but it made me feel really peaceful about the whole thing. Kind of spiritual really.
4. I've had a couple of dreams about my dad being here, which were usually really cool dreams. In one in particular, I remember telling him he would be so proud because I graduated from college (first in the fam) and that I sometimes still pick up my trumpet (the man used to mimic Miles Davis and Maynard Furgeson on the horn). And I think my dog was there, too (the love of dogs is a family trait). Pretty cool...
5. Now two really weird dreams included kissing coworkers. Yeah, not something I'm proud of, but they were dreams. And hell, sometimes dreams are just plain stupid.
So, the tornado dream means this according to www.dreamdoctor.com (which I'm sure is a credible site):
Tornadoes are unpredictable and violent storms which often separate families and destroy property. Frequent dreams of tornadoes may reflect past family instability, or people who are prone to violent “outbursts” or unpredictable mood swings. Tornadoes frequently represent family members or relatives with drug, alcohol, mood disorders and violent tempers. For people living in tornado areas, the dreams may reflect literal fears of an encounter.
All I can figure is that it's related to my mom, cause she's like PMS on crack! Oh well!
What are some of YOUR odd or reoccuring dreams?
Nov 9, 2007
On the title of my blog...
(Side note: After reading others' blogs and still finding myself with free time at work, I decided to succumb to the draws of the blogging world.)
So, really, whatever DID happen to "School House Rock?"
Just the other day, my boss and I were discussing television, children and cartoons. I mentioned that, to this day, I know how a bill becomes a law thanks to "School House Rock."
"Didn't they also teach about English?" she asked.
"Oh, yeah," I answered. "Conjunction-junction, what's your function..."
For those of you who are too old or too young to remember this lively bit of education between the classic "The Adventures Winnie the Pooh" and my all-time-favorite "The Bugs Bunny and Tweetie Show," the concept was simple but genius: combine grammar, government policy and even math skills with music so that kids will remember it easily. I mean, think of how many songs you know the lyrics to. Now tell me if you can recite even the Preamble without missing a beat (this does not go for people like Jacob Johnston who are able to recite random bits of information with ease).
So now, in a time when we are supposedly making every effort to leave no child behind, why is there no combination of music and knowledge between cartoons on Saturday morning? Why are there just princesses and fairies and anime characters invading the TV (I only know this because I have nieces and nephews)? Why are so many school systems considering cutting music from the curriculum (as well as recess, but that's another blog for another day)?
And finally, at the risk of being a 26-year-old who sounds like a 70-year-old with my "when I was a kid" story, whatever happened to "School House Rock?"
So, really, whatever DID happen to "School House Rock?"
Just the other day, my boss and I were discussing television, children and cartoons. I mentioned that, to this day, I know how a bill becomes a law thanks to "School House Rock."
"Didn't they also teach about English?" she asked.
"Oh, yeah," I answered. "Conjunction-junction, what's your function..."
For those of you who are too old or too young to remember this lively bit of education between the classic "The Adventures Winnie the Pooh" and my all-time-favorite "The Bugs Bunny and Tweetie Show," the concept was simple but genius: combine grammar, government policy and even math skills with music so that kids will remember it easily. I mean, think of how many songs you know the lyrics to. Now tell me if you can recite even the Preamble without missing a beat (this does not go for people like Jacob Johnston who are able to recite random bits of information with ease).
So now, in a time when we are supposedly making every effort to leave no child behind, why is there no combination of music and knowledge between cartoons on Saturday morning? Why are there just princesses and fairies and anime characters invading the TV (I only know this because I have nieces and nephews)? Why are so many school systems considering cutting music from the curriculum (as well as recess, but that's another blog for another day)?
And finally, at the risk of being a 26-year-old who sounds like a 70-year-old with my "when I was a kid" story, whatever happened to "School House Rock?"
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