It's the Wal-Mart Way

So Sunday consisted of a couple of house projects that took way longer than they should have, the usual dog walk around the hood and the cooking of a big ol' pot of spaghetti. But it also consisted of the dreaded hour-and-a-half excursion to Wal-Mart for groceries.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: "Do you HAVE to go to Wal-Mart?" Well, the answer is no. However, I refuse to go to a store called Piggly Wiggly; Food Lion has the selection of a Saturday yard sale at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and Kroger is on the other side of town. I do occasionally go to Kroger, but with gas prices the way they are, it's really a selection between two evils. So on to Wally World I went, list and coupons in hand (yes, I clip coupons out of the Sunday paper EVERY week cause I'm a dork).

Grocery shopping used to be a little fun for me. As a child, my dad did a lot of the grocery shopping, and it was a little adventure for my brother and I to get to go. One of us would call "shot gun," and my dad would wait to turn off the car right as his little backup singer was belting out a tune. But now, it's just a task that ends up taking longer than I would like, and Wal-Mart, with its messy aisles and slow lines, doesn't make the situation any more pleasant.

I grab a shopping cart (yes, I DO NOT call it a buggy - that's what you put a very small baby in to ride them around in the park), all the while knowing that there are various types of bacteria all over the handle and seat - and probably some kid's fecal matter as well. I first head to the bathroom-, house- and dog-related aisles and then move on to the food so that the cold products stay cold longer. For some reason, when I walk into Wal-Mart, and only Wal-Mart, my contacts immediately dry up and I'm blinking the entire time. Maybe my eyes have some kind of aversion to the store???

Sunday's visit had its share of new frustrations. I could not seem to find anything. Wal-Mart has decided to rearrange all of its aisles, so nothing is as it was just last week. Now, this is the second time in the past three or four years that this has happened. How is this a good thing? Do they think that keeping people in the store longer will make them buy more stuff? Maybe that's the case for the idiots who fall for that crap, but it really does nothing but piss me off.

While tripping over crap and very small Hispanic children, I was also on the search for baskets. My mom recently bought me this nice chest for our bedroom (yeah, it was nice of her) that has three compartments and I wanted to put a basket in each compartment. I searched in the aisles for containers, housewares, accessories, bathroom stuff and finally found baskets in the arts and crafts department. It only took about 25 minutes. No biggy. I had nothing better to do...

Then I get to the cashier, which is usually packed and consists of me waiting another 20 minutes (which would have been fine this time because there was a People magazine sitting on the rack with Matt Damon's beautiful face all over it). But on this day, a cashier approached me and said she could get me in her lane. What? Are you being helpful? You won't last long, lady! So I pile the groceries on as fast as I can, then rush to the bagging area to put my bags in the cart (oh the days of bag boys!). But then all the computer checkouts start freaking out and I have to swipe my card again, which always makes me nervous. I have a bad feeling I paid twice for one round of groceries. I'll be keeping an eye on that one.

I then make my way out the door, practically sprinting to avoid the little old lady saying she needs to see my receipt because I have a pack of tissue on the rack of the cart. I swear, it's like the freakin' Secret Service patting you down on your way out the door. Oh, and if you ever buy condoms, make sure the cashier deactivates the little thing inside the box or the alarm will go off at the door. Oh yeah, it happened to me! Then I had to pull the box out while the lady took it over to a cash register to deactivate it. The alarm might as well have said, "This woman just bought condoms." So when the lady said, "Sorry, that was probably embarrassing," I said, "Not as embarrassing as it would be for me to have a bunch of kids running around I don't want." TAKE THAT!!! Besides, of all the things in that store, I think it would be OK if people were stealing condoms. In fact, more people should steal condoms!

But the highlight (and I use bitter sarcasm here) of my shopping experience at Wal-Mart Sunday was on my way to the arts and crafts section when Don Juan in all his nastiness said, "Hey baby, how you doin'?" as we passed. He was gone before I realized what had just been said or I would have turned around to say, "Are you fucking kidding me?" But when I did turn around, something gave me the impression that this was the only thing this guy could say in English. So I decided to ignore the little Joey Tribiani wannabe.

But, you know, all in a day's shopping at the lovely Wal-Mart.