In A Perfect World

In a perfect world, no one, child or adult, would ever go without a meal, a place to sleep or happiness. Maybe it would be my job to make this happen (well not sure I could do much about the happiness part). I would have a cute little bungalow out in the middle of nowhere (but somewhere in Italy) with tons of land so that I could adopt every stray dog that came my way. I would have enough money to feed those dogs.

In a perfect world, there would be no mental illness, no cancer, no AIDS and no one losing a loved one before the age of 70. Now, without those things, you'd think there'd be overpopulation. Not if you had to QUALIFY to reproduce. In a perfect world, past history, a thorough mental evaluation, sample scenarios recorded on video and possibly financial stability would all have to be considered to begin even the idea of parenting. But people also wouldn't get married unless they were really ready and with the right person.

In a perfect world, I could eat as much ice cream, pasta and potatoes as I want (wait, I kind of already do that) and I wouldn't gain a pound (not this part). But I would also always have time to work out and time to relax. I would spend half my time doing a job in front of a computer and the other half doing physical labor and we would all work four days a week instead of five (or more for some people). We would not have alarm clocks. We'd just get up when the sun came in the window, and we would get home from work long before the sun went down, even in the winter.

In a perfect world, I would also be a singer that could play the guitar and piano and possibly the drums. I'd have a band of super-talented people. I would also be a dancer. I don't know when I'd be able to do all this, but who cares. I wouldn't necessarily get paid to do the entertainment stuff.

The temperature outside would always be somewhere between 55 and 85 and it would rain three days a week and only at night. We'd get to travel at least six weeks out of the year and not have to go through customs or worry about someone taking our plane down. I'd have a pool with the walls gradually getting lower so that all my dogs could go swimming with me and would be able to get out without freaking out.

In a VERY perfect world, there would be no cheerleaders. There would be no social classes, just people. No one would have to wear glasses unless they just wanted to. The high school band would get credit for being able to memorize formations, march keeping the ass tight and the feet up, memorizing three to four songs and being able to play all those songs well while ALWAYS facing the crowd and not running into each other. But there would be no Crocs, Uggs (that's for you, Courtney), stirrup pants, leggings, sagging pants, too-tight-for-me pants, button-down shirts that pop open at the bust and no need for whatever those hats are really called that everyone around here calls a toboggan (that's a sleigh people!)

In a perfect world, cars would have no emissions and would never break down. Heating and air conditioning units would never go out. Installing a light fixture would not take two and a half hours. Bosses would have their jobs because they have the ability to do all the jobs under their supervision and do them well - and because they are GREAT with people. Newspapers would be as unbiased as they can. TV news would not exist. Only music would be heard on the radio. There would only be one country station and only people who could perform well LIVE could be in the entertainment business.

Mass e-mails would not be sent out to an entire company that have nothing to do with the population as a whole. "If you love Jesus, send this to eight people" e-mails would not exist (I don't think pushing the send button counts as fruit of the spirit people). Porn would not exist (sorry guys!). Disney World would not exist (sorry, Six Flags seems like a way more happenin' place to me). Everyone would know how to swim, ride a bike and would have sleepovers (kid or adult, it's fun!).

There would be no yellow or orange candy. The only brand of root beer would be Barq's. Domino's Pizza would not exist - or Krystal... or McDonald's. Starbucks wouldn't charge $4 for a cup of joe. Buffets would not exist. Old people would not drive, and old woman would not chop off all their hair (seriously, if you are 50 or older, why do you have to get rid of it all?). Christmas songs would only be played on the radio for the two weeks before Christmas, and only people like Vince Guaraldi could record Christmas albums (definitely no country versions). Kids would not play video games for any longer than an hour a week.

In a perfect world, people would not put clothes on their pets or dress their kids to look like mommy or daddy - or their twin. No one would need a leash for their pet... or kid. I wouldn't have had to take any history classes in college (sorry nerds, I just don't like the subject so much), and I wouldn't have had to work during college. In a perfect world, girls wouldn't be so jealous, have to go to the bathroom together or gossip quite as much. Men would be decisive, not pee on the toilet and not scratch their jewels in public.

In a perfect world, everyone would have the love of a mate as wonderful as mine. My family wouldn't be quite as crazy, and everyone would be required to work (even if it's just a little). Everyone would have a best friend since fifth grade who loves them despite all their flaws. Everyone would have a brother who supports them and can do the runnin' man and the worm like mine.

In a perfect world...