I Don't Know Nothin 'bout Birthin' No Babies, Ms. Scarlett

Dear Diary,

The time of family gatherings to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior is upon us. Beginning this weekend, I'll be heading to several family get-togethers, where there will be food, presents, stories of Christmas past and... babies. It's inevitable and I must prepare for it. Someone is probably going to ask when I'll be having a baby. And if they aren't asking it, I'll get the look - you know, that head cocked to the side, set down a bit, with lips pursed but in a half smile, especially if I'm playing with a child or holding a baby at that moment. In their mind they're saying, "Poor girl, she doesn't have a purpose in life and doesn't know what true happiness is until she has a baby."

I'm all about the baby Jesus around Christmas, but stop thinking I need a baby!

You want to know the reason I haven't had a baby? Other than the obvious fact that sperm has not attached to one of my eggs yet, I'm just not sure I want one. Now, if I were in a room full of women, I'd probably hear a few gasps, awes and "oh my lord"s.

To me, deciding whether to have a baby is not as simple as making a list of pros and cons. Many people have said that Chris and I would make great parents, but frankly, it scares the shit out of me to think of the fact that we would be responsible for another person's upbringing. How we treat him/her in stressful situations could determine so much in the long run, or, if he/she is anything like me, she'll (just tired of writing he or she) just make up her mind as a teen and it may or may not matter what I've ever done (which is fine).

I've been an aunt since I was 8 years old. Yep, my sister, who is 10 years older than me, had a baby when she was 18. I've always enjoyed this role, babysitting when I could, spoiling them when I could, being someone they could talk to if they wanted. Moving to Georgia made that much harder, but I still try to stay in touch. But am I ready to do the mom thing? That is 24/7 and will mean that most of my selfishness will go out the door. I say most because if I were a mom, I would take time for myself. I would also make sure my husband and I got time together.

And that's another thing. I really like my husband... I mean REALLY! We truly are the best of friends. The poor guy knows everything about me, all my ups and downs, and loves me anyway! More than anything in the world, we both like to just be with the other. I realize we get more time together than a lot of couples, but are we ready to give up any of that time? And even though we might still be together, just with a baby, it just doesn't seem like the same to me. I like having him all to myself sometimes, with no distractions and no obligations.

Financially, I think we would be fine... as long as we keep our jobs. Chris and I are both penny-pinchers. I think it brings him some level of joy to save money, so I'm not really worried about that. Of course, we are helping take care of his mom, but we're hoping the biggest part of that is close to being over.

But the fear lingers. What if I treat my kid like my mom treated me... I'm not going to go into the whole story, but it was usually an unpleasant situation. Or, even worse, what if I go crazy like so many mothers seem to do. Chris and I have realized that the majority of the mothers we know are whacko on some level. The kids are their lives; the husbands get tossed to the side. They begin wearing sensible shoes ALL THE TIME and those stupid little sweaters with snowmen and apples on them! They can't socialize with adults. They are pear shaped, and they all chop off their hair at some point!

I feel like I could possibly be a good mom. I'd kind of be playing it by ear (plus reading every book on the matter). I feel like I should breast feed (it's the best for baby and mom, from what I read), exercise, be VERY involved in education from day 1, expose my kid to animals at an early age, be goofy, never put my little boy in a sweater vest, expect my child to behave in a restaurant or other public place, respect what he or she has to say, tell them about sex pretty early, respect their privacy but be someone they can talk to, NOT YELL, take them to other countries or at least states, be proud of their efforts, teach them the value of work and tell them all about my family and how to avoid falling in their footsteps.

And if they come home one day or call and say "I'm pregnant" (or "I got a girl pregnant"), "I got arrested," "I'm not going to college," "I'm on drugs" or "I hate you, you fuckin' bitch," I must love them and treat them just the same. And if he or she comes to me and says "I'm gay." I have to be that support for them that they may not get anywhere else.

My biggest fear in the world is losing Chris. What if we have a baby and then he finds some trashy blonde named Trixie (just kidding) or dies? I don't want to be a single mom, and I don't want to have the thought of wishing I could just have him back instead.

I had a friend tell me once that Chris and I needed to reproduce to compensate for the stupid people having babies. He had seen some movie about only stupid people reproducing and taking over the world. I also recently read an article about two women who will not have children (one had had two abortions to prevent this) because they felt it was just another way of polluting the earth - another mouth to feed, another person breathing air and wasting all over the earth. That was pretty extreme to me, but it makes me think. And then what about adoption? Is it selfish of me to have my own child when there are so many out there with no parents or with abusive parents from which they had to be taken away? There are so many opinions, so many reasons to have one and so many reasons to not.

I even had one mom say, "Well, you want to have some kids because when you are old and if your husband is gone, they'll be all you have." What? See! Crazy! Why can't you still have a good circle of friends when you are old? Because as a mom, you some how get rid of all your friends! (Not really, but a lot of these crazy moms have no friends)

AND, with my dad gone, my mom a little on the extreme and Chris' mom with mental illness, my kid will have one cool grandparent! Not to mention, mental illness can be hereditary. What if my kid... uugh all the questions!

So where does this leave me? For now, I'll just respond to the questions with fake and mean answers like, "never" and "when you stop having them." Secretly, I'll just wish that Chris and I could live in Tuscany with about 10 dogs. I'd be perfectly happy with that.